When I started whole30 on May 5 I weighed in at 414 pounds....
There I said it...and it breaks my heart.....
A person who weighs that amount is limited by many things. I knew I had limits but I guess I just wasn't willing to accept them...to be real with myself. I wasn't willing because I knew if I was real I would most likely give up. I remember at one point this past winter thinking "if I fall and break something (we had a lot of ice this winter) I am going to end up in a wheel chair..." I knew that couldn't happen but I had no idea how that was going to change...
I haven't worked in about 3 years. Once we left Maryland and headed to Michigan for school I didn't really need to look for work because the church we were attending was in need of a full time secretary. As my weight grew finding a job out in the secular world was going to be more difficult. One, people judge you immediately by your weight. They think you are lazy, that you can finish a large pizza on your own and that you have some kind of food obsession. There are people out there...I've met them...but I am not that person. As the weight grew it became harder for me to do everyday things. I struggle with other health issues so that would rob me of any ounce of energy I would come up with. If I did the dishes I would be exhausted. If I went up or down the stairs I was out of breath. If i stood for a long period of time my back would be on fire and my feet would hurt. These were all things I just...lived with....and then the most dreadful thing of all...going into a building and having to take a "seat" in a chair with arms...
I would get so nervous. A lot of times I wouldn't even go places because I knew they wouldn't have seating for me and I was too embarrassed to ask for different seating. Tim, being the most amazing husband there is, would go into a room ahead of me and look to make sure there was seating available for me. That thought brings tears to my eyes. My husband has given up so much so that I could be comfortable. He really did mean "in sickness"...Thank you Tim. Anyway, I would be terrified of going to an interview and not being able to sit in a normal office chair. This is me being honest people... don't feel for me....just know the next time you want to make fun of a "larger" person...that they already struggle with insecurity...don't make it worse.
When I started whole30 I was desperate. I needed something...anything to help me. I wanted to live again.
So in the last almost 4 months I have enjoyed MANY non scale victories. Clothes fitting, clothes becoming too big, going up the stairs with speed and not being out of breath, walking 5 miles without an ounce of pain, being able to put a seat belt on and have room to move. I mean the list goes on...
Today I had another non scale victory. We went into a doctors office today and as I walked in I saw they only had chairs with arms. Tim kinda looked at me and I just smiled. I just decided I would sit on the end of I had too. We walk over and Tim sits down...and then I sit down....like down...in the chair...like a normal person. I look at Tim, he looks at me and we just smile. It took everything in me not to show tears.
I am down 59 pounds. I can fit in a chair. Every single day the Lord shows me something else. My life has been a whirlwind since the middle of July. I haven't had a chance to breath, or focus fully on my health. I have been doing the best I can to make wise choices but I will admit I have not been 100% whole30. I plan to get back on the wagon come 9/1.
I don't share my weight with you because I want you to be shocked, or feel sorry for me, or be...whatever it is you might thing....I share it with you because there is someone out there who is struggling just like I have struggled....they need to know that if you put your mind to it, if you just start with something small, taking an extra trip through the house, parking a little further from the store, choosing fruit instead of candy, eating two helpings of veggies before having more protein. If you just start with little changes and work your way up, you really can do anything...
Today I fit in a chair...that less than 4 months ago...wasn't an option....that is a victory for this girl....
Its not falling that determines you...its if you get back up or not....
Love always...
The Shrinking girl....
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